Coming home from the VA makes me think deeply about my health. When I retired, they performed a multitude of checkups to ensure my health. I was having some pain in my neck, so they took an X-ray and said that I had two crushed vertebrae. I was not surprised since that damn helmet feels like a 1000 pounds on my skinny little neck. But the doctor didn’t stop there; he proceeded to tell me that he found two tumors. They were just at the top of the spine where it goes into my brain, so I would like you to get a brain scan. I was unsure how to process that information, and since I was crazy busy with out-processing from the base and the military forever, he put in the request, and I followed orders. I never had a brain scan before, how cool is “this gonna be cool,” I thought, without even a worry at all, and off I went pressing on with everything I needed to do to leave Japan.
Looking back now, I know that God was with me because when they told me that they found eight more tumors and that they were in my brain, I didn’t even flinch. It was another thing to deal with, and I believe all is good with my soul. He will not give me more than I can handle. On the other hand, my husband was a bit more upset, and I guess I can understand, he doesn’t want to lose his wife, right, his best friend and partner in this life. Today at the VA was just regular annual exams, mammogram, and lung scan, not a big deal, but what struck me was the question about my smoking. I was a terrible kid and smoked a lot for a long time; however, I quit years ago now. I stopped several times before, but then always fell back into the habit (being a member of the military makes it extra difficult because everyone smoked then). I remember the moment I finally quit for good, I went to the doctor because I thought I might have a chest cold, a lot of coughing and phlegm, so they took some chest scans. They told me that they found a spot, but turns out it was just walking pneumonia, thank God, right? I was so scared and never picked up another one. Now, it has been 34 years since we lost her, and I am older than she was when she passed. What a f—ed up world. It is things like that that make you wonder about your faith. Why does God take the good ones? What did we do wrong to make Him take her from us? Is she happy now, or has my faith always been wrong?
Even now, as faithful as I am, I still question things, and I think that is normal. Will there be an apocalypse while I am still alive? Will I come back and do this all over again? Or does life… stop? There are a million other questions to go along with that, but ya know what, I “have” hope, which helps me have my faith and makes me stronger overall. I know that I have chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD, and then sprinkle in some OCD tendencies, but when I think about someone watching over me, it makes me smile. I am not saying it will all be peaches and cream because life still has to go on, but we must take control of this life. If you do good things, you feel good about yourself and your life, and where it will lead you in the next life. And that I say because I DO believe, I DO hope, and I DO have faith that this is not the end for us. And when I see with my eyes that I am right, I want to be good within my heart and mind. I want to step up to our judge, proud, but not too proud, that I have lived a good life and not wasted what I was given.
Something else that has helped me is learning to practice mindfulness. I use it often in the mornings before I begin my workday. Working where I do, I am so lucky to go into the chapel anytime I want or need to. I have started an excellent routine of dropping my things off in my office and going to the chapel. Maybe it sounds cheesy, but I drop to my knees, close my eyes, and talk to God from my heart and mind. I think about the sounds that I hear and the smell in the air. I thank Him for this life and even the bad parts because they have been instrumental in molding me into who I am today. I am not anything significant, but I believe that I am a good person. I know who I was, and who I am now, and they are VERY different people. I like myself now…mostly.
