These words speak volumes about my life. Happiness is something I never thought I deserved, and peace is something I never thought I would have. But now, here I am, a person with such a dirty past and longing for a better future and a happy afterlife. There is a story in the bible about a woman who deserved to be stoned to death for her whorish and perverse living. As she knelt there on the ground, bound and crying. Surrounded by the highest level of rabbis, the disciples, and yes… Jesus Himself. When they told Him it was in their laws to stone such a person, they asked, “What will you do?”
He bent down, picked up a hefty stone, and held it up. Many, including the Sanhedrin, already had stones in their hands and were hollering and waiting to put her to death. The disciples were surprised by this and thought He would begin the stoning with that single rock He held in His hand, but instead He spoke to the crowd. His words speak to me personally in my heart and soul. He held that stone up high in the air and said to them, “I will give this stone to the first person who says he has never sinned.” Wow! The rabbis could not throw their stones; they dropped them and left the woman unharmed. Jesus turned to her, bent down, and said, “Get up, woman, and sin no more.” It is like He is talking right to me, and I plan on listening and being as much of that person as possible.
Just like everyone else, we are all still human and continue to sin without fail. Sometimes it is malicious and purposeful, sometimes it is just so natural an act that we don’t even think about it. But that is just what tells me to look deeper into myself. Just because I don’t rape, murder and pillage, doesn’t mean I don’t sin. Just like you, I make mistakes too. What I can say nowadays is that my sins are different. I like to think of them as lesser, but writing these words makes God sad even now. With every “fib” I tell, every mass I miss, and every glass I steal from different bars, I may as well be insulting Him directly. I don’t ever mean to, but it is in our nature to do things that make us feel good. We do things that are fun, mean, and even judgmental. But I am always sorry for them, and sometimes immediately after it happens, I am sorry.
Being back on the right path is a wonderful thing for me. It is right for me, making me think about my actions more often. While I still struggle with chronic depression and anxiety, I am now able to be at least aware of my thoughts. I still cannot always control or reverse them, but I am aware, and that is one step closer to being who I am meant to be. When I notice my thoughts drifting, I can step back and think about the Socratic questions my therapist gave me before I retired. I miss that guy; he knew how to make me feel more deeply about things and make the adjustments needed to put me right again. I haven’t had that since I left Japan, and often contemplate looking for a new person to talk to. One that will get me thinking and not just spend an hour talking about stupid shit. Maybe that is my next step.
